Today I’m writing about an issue I’ve been running away from for years.
I have lost the capability to think.
Okay, maybe that’s a bit too much. I’ve been doing some housekeeping on my blog and stumbled onto some old blog posts. They’re under the “Misc” category but their titles start with the verb “Isip” or Think. It dawned on me that I no longer do posts like these. A post where I do a little pondering and then writing about it.
My last post with “Isip” on it was in 2021, comparing Youtube Music and Spotify subscriptions. In contrast, the posts from 2014 to 2016 are all reflections on some aspect of my life. From fitness, to letters to my past self, to thinking about life itself. After rereading these posts, I can’t believe that these were written by me. I’ve strayed far away from the introspective person who wrote these posts.
I am still thinking about things of course, but why have they degraded into hardly anything I can post about? Nothing wakes you up more than the realization that you like who you were before than the person you are today. There was a long time in my life where I was immersed in a lot of non-fiction, self-help books but I never applied my learnings into a permanent change, and instead of improving, I feel that I’ve degraded. Now, facing reality and the consequences have left me unsatisfied with my current trajectory.
One thing I can pinpoint as a culprit is my loss of focus.
Back in 2015, I was already chronically online. I had a phone. I was browsing reddit daily as well, but something happened in the past decade that turned me into someone incapable of even concentrating on one YouTube video at a time. It’s crazy how I keep pausing a YouTube video just to switch to a tab on reddit and look through posts. I can’t even take a bath without finding an appropriate 10-minute video to play while I’m scrubbing my body. And reinforcing these habits over time resulted in me being too algorithm-brained that there hasn’t been an opportunity for me to just sit with my thoughts and ruminate.
Thankfully, being aware of these things have shown me the scope of this (losing) battle and the importance of staying in the fight. In early 2025, I deleted the Instagram app from my phone and found that life goes on without it. Some time by the end of that same year, Facebook was also deleted (I only have the Meta business manager left so I can still post on my page. Follow me there!). That’s two of the most harmful social media sites I’ve escaped from. I’ve learned through a lot of trial and error that this cold turkey, scorched earth method is the best way for me because I cannot be trusted with a simple app lock or an app timer. Now I only have reddit and YouTube as my algorithm overlords.
Aside from these apps, I felt that my phone itself is slowly draining my HP whenever I equip it. This is why during office hours, I keep it as far away from me as possible. Thankfully, my work doesn’t require constant phone calls and messages. So far, I’ve found success with not using my phone for long periods of time. It’s gotten to a point that without my phone, I can see how much OTHER people are glued to theirs.
I’ve also been reading articles and watching videos on embracing boredom. I don’t recall being bored back when I was still writing those introspective posts, but I guess with today’s addiction to over-stimulation, I need to return to a certain baseline. The irony is that I’ve been using these productivity posts as a way of procrastination! Imagine being bored so you search online for an essay on how boredom is actually a good. I’m bored so I’m alleviating my boredom by reading on why I should be bored. Crazy. The irony is not lost on me.
But now I’m really making a stand. I’m taking down notes and doing all I can to apply them. Oof. It’s hard but I know I need to regain my focus in order for my ideas to come back. I want to be able to create stuff again instead of just consuming content. I miss the times where I was the one doing things.
Everyday is a fight between reinforcing these established bad habits and replacing them with something better. I need to stop scratching the itch of refreshing feeds with the goal of eventually losing that itch entirely. Some days I win, some days I scroll.
I’ll give an update in the future if a certain method works. Or you’ll see it in the blog itself with an uptick on posts. But at the very least, I’ll have this as a reminder that I struggled and haven’t given in (yet) to the almighty algorithm.
Trying to get my groove back.
-jgzn
